My Contract With America

If I am appointed dictator of the United States, I promise that in my first 100 days in office I will implement the following initiatives.

  1. I will outlaw leaf blowers.
  2. I will authorize individuals in every community to spank and/or slap those who need such treatment.
  3. I will follow the lead of the Catholic Church when it decided that certain popes were not really popes after all and designated them as "anti-popes." In similar fashion, I will designate Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton as "anti-presidents."
  4. I will make a ruling that Barry Bonds' name will appear on all baseball record lists as ***** *****.
  5. I will award the Chicago Cubs with an Honorary World Championship for their outstanding record of humbly and consistently allowing other teams to achieve at their expense.
  6. I will appoint somebody to show me an Eastern Screech Owl, the one bird occurring regularly in Northern Illinois that I have never seen.
  7. I will order Bill Watterson to start writing Calvin and Hobbes strips again.
  8. I will get one of those devices for my car that turns all the traffic lights green in the direction I'm going.
  9. I will travel to Alaska and Hawaii, the two states I've never visited.
  10. I will shut off my alarm clock and start each day whenever I happen to wake up.

Thank you for your support.

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One Response to My Contract With America

  1. james says:

    You got my vote. Can I be in your ruling cabal?

    One thing to add – I will force all owners of loud thumping car stereos to listen to nothing but Kenny G for a year.

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