I figure I rank about 437th …

Have you heard those commercials that have been around for a year or so that feature “The Most Interesting Man in the World”? The first couple times, I thought it was pretty clever. My favorite line is “When he orders a salad, he gets the dressing right there on top, where there is no turning back.”

But it wasn’t long before things descended into stupidity. “His beard is listed on his organ donor card.” “He once read the entire encyclopedia simply because he likes the smell of leather.” That’s interesting? Sounds obsessive to me.

I got to thinking — If those things make him the most interesting man, I’ve got to be right up there as number two. But then I realized that proclaiming myself number two was conceited, and there’s nothing interesting about conceit. So how about number three? Then I thought about Brad Pitt. I don’t find him particularly interesting, but a lot of people evidently do, so that knocked me down to number four. Then I remembered Rod Blagojevich … A lot of people have been interested in him lately. And there’s the guy who invented Silly Putty and George Steinbrenner and …

I figure I rank about 437th, and here’s why.

• Every gerbil I’ve ever owned has been named Burfurd.
• When I was a boy, I used to eat the lollipop and the loopy string handle.
• I still have my 7th-grade Spanish textbook, although I don’t know why.
• I’ve pulled the tags off of all my mattresses.
• I’m not afraid to say I like quiche. I don’t, but I’m not afraid to say I do.
• I’ve thrown rocks into all five Great Lakes. Just not at the same time.
• I came in first in my fantasy water polo league.
• Sometimes I know what I’m going to say before I even say it.
• I know the difference between flotsam and jetsam.
• I once read the an entire book simply because I wanted to know what it said.
• My shoes were once in the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown — and that was before I’d ever played baseball.
• The hospital where I was born is still there, and it’s a lot larger.
• I can find West Virginia on a map — unless it’s a map of France.
• I don’t dilute my coffee with buckets of cream and shovelfuls of sugar. I just don’t drink coffee.
• I almost never fall asleep on the couch. And vice versa.

I AM the 437th Most Interesting Man on Earth.

(1/9/09)