What Kind of Idiot … ?

When the puddles on the shelves got deep enough to float the milk cartons, we decided it was time to get a new fridge.

It was delivered on Monday afternoon. The guy came in to remove our old fridge, but first he had to disconnect the hose for the ice maker. He asked me to turn off the water. I went downstairs and turned the faucet and went back up to the kitchen. He twisted the hose and water started spraying around the room. He quickly kinked the hose and looked at me. I went back downstairs and looked for another faucet. I found one and turned turned it. I went back to the kitchen. The guy let the kink out of the hose and water started pouring out. He looked at me. He didn’t say anything, but I could read his mind. He was thinking, What kind of idiot doesn’t know how to turn off his own water?

He kinked the hose again and I twisted a strip of duct tape around it. He took the old fridge out and brought the new fridge in. He hooked up the hose and took off the tape and pushed the fridge back into its spot. It ran into the cabinet. Yes, the fridge was this much too tall for the space. The guy looked at me again. He didn’t say anything, but I could read his mind again. He was thinking, What kind of idiot doesn’t measure the space before buying a new fridge?

I told him I’d take care of it. He left. I went downstairs and turned the two faucets back to their original positions, just in case they actually did something. Then I grabbed my little square vibrating sander and started sanding the underside of the cabinet. After 20 minutes with no discernible progress I began to think, What kind of idiot tries to remove a quarter inch of solid oak with a little square vibrating sander?

I grabbed a screwdriver and took the cabinet off the wall and pushed the fridge back into its space. When my wife got home, I made a halfhearted attempt to convince her that we, with a little spackle and paint, could cover up the holes and do without the cabinet. She disagreed, and even I’m not the kind of idiot who argues with a woman about kitchen decor.

I called a friend who owns a contracting business and asked for help. After work on Tuesday, I drove to his house with the cabinet. In about 15 minutes, he’d cut off a quarter inch and sanded it smooth. I took the cabinet home, pulled out the fridge, fastened the cabinet to the wall and pushed the fridge back. Problem solved.

But this brought another question to my mind. What kind of idiot would choose me for a friend? I have no practical skills. But I’ve always been good at making friends with useful abilities. Over the years, they’ve helped me with plumbing and electrical work and carpentry and computer problems. But although I would be willing, not once has one of those friends called me in return and said, “Hey, Rog, could you help me out? I need you to write something for me.”

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1 Response to What Kind of Idiot … ?

  1. jeff says:

    If you want I can show you how to witch a well, then you will totally be in demand.

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