Listing Through Life

Last summer, instead of whining about the weeds in my yard, I determined to go outside regularly and pull them. Finding that strategy neither enjoyable or effective, I’ve decided to go back to whining. At least that gives me a certain degree of satisfaction from being victimized. (4/26/14)

Neglected yard owned by indifferent gardener seeks yard work enthusiast in search of that special somewhere. (4/11/14)

You might call it being lazy and sleeping in. I call it being efficient and getting my afternoon nap out of the way first thing. (2/28/14)

My wife was wondering why Chicago Symphony Orchestra tickets are so much more expensive than Lyric Opera tickets. I had to explain to her that it’s a matter of supply and demand. The orchestra is something that people with taste and refinement would want to go see, so they’re priced accordingly. Opera tickets, on the other hand, are in the same price range as professional wrestling and indoor tractor pulls. (1/28/14)

“Buffet” is French for lukewarm and soggy. (12/30/13)

I’ve long thought that what this country really needs is a nonpartisan Department of Spanking and Slapping. (8/8/13)

The woman behind the desk at the Holiday Inn asked if there were any discounts she could apply to my room. I said, “Sure, what’ve you got? I’m certainly willing although I don’t qualify for any.” She laughed and said there was a wedding party in town getting a group rate of $20 off the regular price and she’d include me with them. (8/24/13)

Here’s my thinking. Vegetables will actually taste good in heaven, and I’ll have eternity to eat them there, so why bother now? (8/13/13)

I saw a Bald Eagle on the way home from work today. It just so happened that I was on my way home from work too. (3/6/13)

Winter Storm Saturn? We’re naming 6-10 inch snowfalls now? This world just keeps getting sillier … But while we’re at it, why stop with storms? Why not name periods of nice weather too? “Pleasant Spell Stanley returns for its third day today, with temperatures in the mid-70’s and lots of sun. Stanley is the most pleasant stretch of weather we’ve had in nearly two weeks and is expected to continue into tomorrow.” (3/4/13)

Because of the snow, they said we could go home at 2. Then they said we could go home at 1. If this pattern continues, we won’t have to come in today at all. (2/26/13)

Thanks to Siri, I sent my boss a text message that said, “She left but she said that she can still put the piece together if you got the files so have a good look but talk to lizardlike was a fungal.” (12/14/12)

Help us settle a family debate. Which is closer to real food, Pop-Tarts or Cheez-Its? (11/14/12)

Thanks to last night’s storm, my lawn, which was dry and dead, is now wet and dead! (7/19/12)

The choosing of one’s life verse is an important decision. I’ve decided not to go with this one: Because of this I will weep and wail; I will go about barefoot and naked. I will howl like a jackal and moan like an owl (Micah 1:8). (7/18/12)

I found a way to entertain my wife while grocery shopping — wandering about placing random items in other people’s carts. It was so much fun that next time I just might do it on purpose. (6/9/12)

The girl at Panera asked me if my 13 bagels were “for here or to go.” (4/8/12)

The thing is, most of the time I think I AM smiling. (4/2/12)

The feeling that you’ve been in this bathroom before – deja loo. (12/30/11)

It’s my opinion that people watch handbell choirs for the same reason they watch hockey games – they hope to see a fight break out. (12/25/11)

I now understand why the apostle Paul was shipwrecked on the voyage to Rome. It says it right there in Acts 27:15: … “we let HER drive.” (12/3/11)

The sign on the bathroom mirror at McDonald’s said “Employees Must Wash Hands.” But there were no employees around, so I washed my own hands. Can I be arrested? (11/23/11)

If I could go back in time, I’d go to the place where the guy was writing “Little Drummer Boy” and I run around outside his house all night long banging pots and pans, ringing cowbells and playing a kazoo into a Mr. Microphone — just to give him a small taste of what he was about to do to the rest of us. (11/16/11)

I think the world would be a more enjoyable place if, above a reasonable decibel level, the noise certain motorcycles make would be replaced by the song “I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story. (9/4/11)

If they HAVE to put those stupid little stickers on each individual piece of fruit, can’t they at least make the stickers edible? (8/25/11)

Never underestimate the ability of humans to be wrong in large groups. (5/24/11)

The schedule at our church for today includes the following: “1:00 PM – Japanese Sledding Activities – Room 105.” Any ideas? (2/20/11)

I’m thankful for the letter “T,” because without it, this would be Hank’s Giving Day. (11/25/10)

While we’re on the subject of bathrooms … When you wash your hands in someone else’s, do you 1) use the frilly decorative hand towel that has obviously never been used and isn’t large enough to be of any value anyway, 2) use the slightly damp bath towel hanging over the shower rod or 3) wipe your hands on the back of your pants? (9/3/10)

Quandary — When you are a guest at someone else’s home and discover that the residents have (accidentally, no doubt) placed their toilet paper on the roll incorrectly (hanging down behind), should you leave it as it is or correct the error and rearrange it so that it properly goes over the top? (9/2/10)

Benedict’s is the restaurant equivalent of a chick flick. (3/2/10)

Can I go home early if I promise that, if I stick around, I won’t do any work anyway? (1/29/10)

The behavior we would have the most difficulty explaining to our ancestors is walking about with a plastic bag collecting our dogs’ droppings. The behavior they would have the most difficulty explaining to us is carrying about a silk handkerchief collecting their own sneezage. (9/25/09)

Something I learned from movies: When you shoot a man in the saddle, his horse falls over. (8/31/09)

I saw a sign on the Interstate that said “McDonald’s Next Exit. Clean Restrooms.” And I thought, “Why would I want to do that?” (8/17/09)

To those who saw me carrying the dead hummingbird — Not to worry. Running into a window isn’t contagious. (8/14/09)

Do fans of alternative music just listen to every other song? (7/23/09)

If I only use the top side of the dish, I only need to wash the top side of the dish, right?(7/22/09)