Listing Through Life

Before the concert started, the orchestra members sat on the stage tuning their instruments. When 3:00 arrived, the first violin came out and took a bow. Then one of the bassoon players played a note and everybody pretended to tune their instruments again. What had they been doing for the previous 20 minutes? Did they get it wrong the first time?

After the first song, the entire orchestra stood up and bowed. I thought the concert was over, but, alas … The conductor walked off the stage, then immediately turned around and walked back on to more applause. I suppose this sort of thing is s.o.p. for classical music concerts, but I still think it’s a bit silly.

I couldn’t help thinking the whole thing would have been more enjoyable if they served peanuts and let us throw the shells on the floor.

What happens if a violin string breaks during a performance?

The only people who stood the entire time were the conductor, the bass player and some guy in the row behind us who looked like Carl Reiner, but wasn’t.

One of the viola players had her purse under her chair. What’s up with that?

From listening to his music, I got the distinct impression that Mozart enjoyed life. Beethoven, on the other hand, wrote like he had a headache and wanted to share it.

When we got out of the car to enter the theater, the Cubs had just scored two runs in the top of the seventh to tie the Florida Marlins 2-2. There was one out, with runners on second and third. And this you won’t believe — NOT ONCE during the entire concert did they give us an update on the game!

Why do men in an orchestra all have to wear identical tuxedos, but the women just have to wear “something black”?

The highlight of the concert, for me anyway, was when the bass player accidentally smacked his bow against his music stand in the middle of the conductor’s violin solo.

I think the cello is a decidedly un-ladylike instrument to play.

I decided there are three types of music in my world.

1. The good stuff — stuff you can whistle and tap the steering wheel to.
2. Some quieter stuff that I get in the mood for once in a while when I’m relaxed and tired.
3. Everything else.

This concert consisted entirely of types two and three.

The stage was raised so that the people sitting in the front row were exactly at the level of the performer’s shoes. That must be an interesting perspective.

Why don’t they have electronic easels that display the music on screens so performers don’t have to turn pages when they need to or worry about breezes turning them when they don’t? (And if this is an original idea and somebody takes it and makes a ton of money from it, I want my share.)

I’m pretty sure the percussionist fell asleep during the encore solo. I might have done so myself, I’m not sure.

After the concert, the conductor kissed the first violin (a woman) shook hands with the second violin (a man) kissed and hugged the third violin (another woman), ignored the fourth violin (a woman), ignored all three viola players, shook hands with the first cellist (a man) and kissed the second cellist (another man). I couldn’t help wondering what determined kiss, hug, handshake or ignore. (Although, in the case of the hug of the third violin, looks could have been a factor.)

With that crowd, and those stairs, I’m glad there wasn’t a fire.

When I looked at web site of the Woodstock Opera House to see what events were approaching, I saw the Mozart Festival. Now it so happens that Mozart is my favorite classical composer (his Rondo Alla Turca is one of my all-time-favorite pieces of music and would probably be my fallback song if it had words). But I wouldn’t exactly call myself a fan.

My wife, on the other hand, listens to the stuff constantly. She buys CDs that cost, like, $80 each and plays them while she reads, while she cooks, while she sleeps … I knew the festival would be right up her alley, if you’ll pardon the cliche.  Being the wonderful husband that I am, I realized immediately that this would be a win-win situation. And, it made things easy for me because all I had to do was forward the link to her and she did all the arranging and ticket buying — and I still came out looking like a good husband!

The concert was on Sunday afternoon at 3:00. We brought our younger daughter along to expose her to culture. She’s taken seven years of classical piano lessons and played Rondo Alla Turca at a recital. (As a matter of fact, so did my older daughter.)

The Woodstock Opera House sits on historic Woodstock Square, made famous in the movie Groundhog Day. The Opera House itself was the Pennsylvania Hotel in the movie The building was erected in 1889. Originally the Woodstock city hall, library, and fire department were on the first floor with the auditorium upstairs. The other departments have long moved out, but the stage has been in continuous use since opening day. It was restored in 1977. Amazingly, whoever was responsible resisted the impulse to “improve” things, and the inside doesn’t look restored — it looks like an old building that has been taken care of.

The sidewalks and entrance were crawling with elderly Mozart fans. In fact, of an audience of about 400, I counted twelve (12!) people who were indisputably younger than I am. Our seats were in the balcony, so we made our way up about six flights of creaky stairs and down another couple flights to our seats. We were in the second row, off to the side, and I could easily have spit watermelon seeds and hit the first violin, but I didn’t have any. (Anyway, I’m not sure that’s the sort of thing one does at a Mozart concert.) I wasn’t allowed to take any photos during the concert, and after almost getting kicked out of Wicked (as if that would be a bad thing), I decided to not even bring my camera inside. Here’s a shot from the Opera House web site. It looked just like this, only in color — and with an orchestra on the stage and a lot of elderly people in the seats.

The concert lasted two hours, with an intermission so the bassoon players could replace their lips. The program consisted of:

• Overture to The Marriage of Figaro, by Mozart
• Symphony No. 40 in G Minor, also by Mozart, which included

1. Molto allegro
2. Andante
3. Menuello: Allefrigetto
4. Allegro assai

• Concerto in D Major for Violin and Orchestra, by Beethoven (which seemed odd at a Mozart Festival), which included

1. Allegro ma non troppo
2. Larghetto
3. Rondo: Allegro

I made up one of those names, but I bet you can’t tell me which one.

I didn’t think so.

For the Mozart portion, there were 10 violins, two violas, three cellos, a bass, four clarinets, one flute, two bassoons, and two French horns. All those musicians returned for the second half, but there was also an additional viola, two trumpets, and a percussionist. I found the trumpets somewhat amusing. I don’t think they played for two minutes total, and one of the players spent a large portion of his time picking his fingernails.

The conductor was Mark Peskanov, a large Ukrainian gentleman who looked a little like Harold Ramis, which was fitting because Ramis directed Groundhog Day. See how everything fits together?

Most of the post-intermission music — all the Beethoven pieces — featured Peskanov playing his violin. My wife says he played well, but I didn’t care much for it. I was impressed by the way he could direct with both hands while holding his violin securely in the folds of his chin and neck.

When the concert finished, everybody clapped. I tried to warn people that if they kept it up, the guy would play another song on his violin, but evidently they didn’t believe me. They kept clapping and, sure enough, he came back out. He asked how many in the audience had been at the performance the day before, and when almost nobody raised their hands, he said, “Good, I’ll play the same number.” He lifted his violin and then said, “Maybe I’ll change the key … Nah.” And then he played some frenetic bit of disjointed music that wasn’t at all to my liking.

The seats were narrow and uncomfortable and I had reached the limit of my endurance. I was ready to go. My wife took this photo of me leaving the Opera House immediately after the concert.

OK, it wasn’t that bad. I recognized the first two Mozart pieces and enjoyed most of the rest. Beethoven I could do without, but two hours wasn’t that long. During the concert, I made notes on some random thoughts I had. I’ll share them with you tomorrow.