Guys’ Rules

(This is not original with me, but I thought some of them were pretty good. Particularly numbers 1 and 1.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note … these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

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Birding Holiday — Day Three

I left the house at 6:30 and headed west to Winnebago County. By the time I got out of the car at Sugar River Forest Preserve, I had 17 birds on my list:

American Robin; Red-winged Blackbird; Common Grackle; Canada Goose; Mourning Dove; Great Blue Heron; European Starling; American Crow; Barn Swallow; Ring-necked Pheasant; Rock Dove; Blue Jay; Cooper’s Hawk; Northern Cardinal; Killdeer; Savannah Sparrow; Eastern Bluebird.

I love Sugar River. There are great birds there, including several species that are almost impossible to see anywhere else in Northern Illinois — and best of all, there’s very rarely anybody else around. That was true today too, up until the end when a school field trip showed up as I was leaving. I covered myself with bug spray to discourage the mosquitoes that attacked as soon as I left the car. During the next four hours I saw:

Swainson’s Thrush; Chipping Sparrow; Tennessee Warbler; Gray Catbird; Rose-breasted Grosbeak; Chestnut-sided Warbler; Magnolia Warbler; Wood Duck; Yellow-rumped Warbler; White-breasted Nuthatch; Bay-breasted Warbler; Mallard; House Wren; Prothonotary Warbler; Sandhill Crane; American Goldfinch; Eastern Phoebe; Nashville Warbler; Gray-cheeked Thrush; Indigo Bunting; Black-capped Chickadee; Tufted Titmouse; Song Sparrow; Red-bellied Woodpecker; Eastern Wood-Pewee (and I hadn’t even left the picnic area where I parked my car yet) Eastern Towhee; Yellow-throated Warbler; White-throated Sparrow; Northern Rough-winged Swallow; Common Yellowthroat; Cape May Warbler; Black-throated Green Warbler.

I’ll pause to explain my next sighting. Wild Turkeys are all over Winnebago County, and one of the most reliable places to see them is in a farm field next to one of the trails at Sugar River. I was walking slowly along this trail, looking carefully along the edges of the field when there was an explosion right behind me. A tom Turkey had been drinking in a creek about 15 feet from where I stood (right). I surprised it — I didn’t see it and it didn’t see me. It flushed, calling loudly and making a racket with it’s wings. In addition, as it flew through the dense woods, it broke off dozens of branches with its wings. It was a massive amount of noise to be made by a bird, and having it happen right behind me when I wasn’t expecting it … It was startling. Back to the list:

Great-crested Flycatcher; Northern Waterthrush; Lincoln’s Sparrow; Swamp Sparrow; Scarlet Tanager; Hairy Woodpecker; Brown-headed Cowbird; Blue-gray Gnatcatcher; Pileated Woodpecker; American Redstart; Downy Woodpecker; Blue-headed Vireo; Red-eyed Vireo; Ovenbird; Hooded Warbler; Turkey Vulture; Cerulean Warbler.

I drove from Sugar River to Rock Cut State Park, near Rockford. On the way I saw Eastern Kingbird and Red-tailed Hawk. At Rock Cut, I added:

Warbling Vireo; Baltimore Oriole; Yellow Warbler; Palm Warbler; Canada Warbler; Blackpoll Warbler; Blue-winged Warbler; Wilson’s Warbler; Wood Thrush; Yellow-throated Vireo; Field Sparrow; Brown Thrasher.

That was a discouragingly-low total — I’d hoped for a lot more from Rock Cut, but it was the heat of the day and nothing was moving. Still, I was at 80 birds and thought I had a chance at 100. I called my wife and told her I wouldn’t be home until dark, then headed for Moraine Hills State Park near home, stopping at Garden Prairie on the way. The fields south of town often flood and are sometimes good for shorebirds. The sun was in the wrong place to see much, but I did find one puddle that included Pectoral Sandpipers and Least Sandpipers. Also on the way to Moraine Hills, I saw a Chimney Swift.

Moraine Hills was a mistake. There were very few birds around, and it was crawling with people. I added: Great Egret; Tree Swallow; Common Moorhen; Mute Swan; Hooded Merganser and White-crowned Sparrow.

It was now 6:30. I was tired (I’d walked 9.4 miles so far) and thirsty. I stopped and bought a pint of pink grapefruit juice and guzzled it. I knew I could drive down to Younghusband Prairie and Paul Douglas Forest Preserve and see some of the stuff I saw yesterday, but that would mean another hour of driving and while I had a fair chance of hitting 100, it was very unlikely I’d break my all-time record of 106. I gave up and went home with 90 — not a good total for the way the day began. I think my problem was the weather — it was too nice. The birds stopped in the morning to eat and rest, then took off again. The best spring migration days are the cold, wet ones when the birds hang around and forage low in the woods. Still, it was a thoroughly-enjoyable day, as is any day that includes a Pileated Woodpecker and 22 warblers.

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Birding Holiday — Day Two

I stayed local today, starting at Baker’s Lake in Barrington at 7:15. Baker’s Lake isn’t a great place to bird, but it has the advantage of being open at dawn while Cook County forest preserves don’t open until 8:00 am. It’s main feature is the huge rookery in the center of the lake. When I started birding here 28 years ago, there were a few herons nesting in the trees on the island. Since then, the trees have died and the island has shrunk. The forest preserve built a scaffolding out of two-by-fours, and it now contains a mass of nests of Cormorants, Egrets and Herons (below, right). Things were fairly lively this morning. (The birds marked in red were new for the year.) I saw:

Double-crested Cormorant; Blue Jay; Canada Goose; Baltimore Oriole; European Starling; Indigo Bunting; Nashville Warbler; Brown-headed Cowbird; American Goldfinch; Lincoln’s Sparrow; Palm Warbler; Yellow-rumped Warbler; Red-bellied Woodpecker; Great Egret; Hairy Woodpecker; Red-winged Blackbird; American Redstart; American Robin; Blue-headed Vireo; Tennessee Warbler; Eastern Bluebird; Common Grackle; Gray Catbird; Yellow Warbler; Great-crested Flycatcher; Great Blue Heron; Black-crowned Night Heron; Mallard; Northern Cardinal; Blue-gray Gnatcatcher; Red-eyed Vireo.

From Baker’s Lake, I drove to Deer Grove Forest Preserve. This is a reliable place for woodland birds, especially in migration, so I go here every year, but I don’t like the place. It isn’t well maintained (it’s a Cook County forest preserve, after all) and I meet unsavory characters once in a while. I added:

Swainson’s Thrush; Wood Thrush; Golden-winged Warbler; Blackburnian Warbler; Black-throated Green Warbler; Rose-breasted Grosbeak; Cape May Warbler; Black-and-white Warbler; Ovenbird; Song Sparrow; Common Yellowthroat; Bay-breasted Warbler; Blackpoll Warbler; Eastern Phoebe; Chipping Sparrow; Wood Duck; Yellow-throated Vireo; Northern Waterthrush; American Crow; House Wren; Magnolia Warbler.

I left Deer Grove and headed for Crabtree Nature Center. On the way I passed a forest preserve I’ve never seen before — Younghusband Prairie. It’s located on an old farm on the back side of Baker’s Lake. I walked around the lake once years ago, trespassing in people’s yards and walking through woods without trails. Now it been turned into a park. A nice mowed trail headed off across the field, and I headed off along the trail. After about half a mile, the trail entered a brushy area, then came to a steel bridge across a marsh. On the other side of the bridge, without warning, the trail turned into a narrow track through the woods. I followed it for a while as it got narrower and narrower. I finally became little more than a deer path through a thicket. I pushed my way through and found myself on the cement foundation of a round barn that burned down a few years back. In the middle of the circle was a guy about my age, a bit stoned-looking, sitting next to his bike and drinking a beer. He said hi. I asked him what happened to the trail. He said, “This is it. This is the center of everything.” I kept my distance and asked him if there was another way out. He pointed across the circle and said, “I’ve been down that way. Just head for that pine. I pushed my way through some bushes and found a deer trail, but it soon disappeared. I found myself in a thicket, but kept walking in hopes of finding the trail I came in on. As I went further and further, I got twisted around and soon had no idea where I was. After a quarter mile of this, I came upon an uncrossable marsh. I started to follow it, but the mud soon make me enter the thicket again. I walked for the better part of an hour through a maze of brush and thorns, bent over double most of the time to get under the branches. When I finally came out of it, sweaty and thirsty and covered with thorns, I was right back by the cement circle. The guy was gone. I headed back toward my car. I did see some cool birds along the official trail part of the experience. I added:

Orchard Oriole; Sedge Wren; White-crowned Sparrow; Red-tailed Hawk; Eastern Kingbird; Northern Flicker; Barn Swallow; Savannah Sparrow; Black-capped Chickadee; Brown Thrasher; Swamp Sparrow; Tree Swallow; Henslow’s Sparrow; Cooper’s Hawk.

I was glad to get out of there. My next stop was Paul Douglas Forest Preserve, along I-90. I don’t know what it is about this place, but there are more ticks there than in the rest of the world put together. I walked for 15 minutes on a narrow trail through four-inch-tall grass and picked 23 of them off my pants. I didn’t wander around much, just looked to see what was in the marsh. I added:

Blue-winged Teal; Solitary Sandpiper; Spotted Sandpiper; American Coot; Yellow-headed Blackbird; Gadwall; Pied-billed Grebe; Killdeer.

My last stop was Crabtree Nature Center. I had the place almost entirely to myself. I added:

Downy Woodpecker; Mute Swan; Hooded Merganser; Turkey Vulture; Common Moorhen; White-throated Sparrow; Sora; Green Heron; Blue-winged Warbler; Chestnut-sided Warbler; Eastern Towhee; Field Sparrow.

During the course of the day, I also saw Mourning Dove, Rock Dove and House Sparrow.

I ended up with 90 birds. I should have seen more — with better planning and by avoiding getting lost in thickets, I could have seen over 100, something I’ve only done three times in my life. I walked nine miles.

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Birding Holiday — Day One

I started the day at Wadsworth Wetlands in northern Lake County, a narrow strip of forest preserve along the Des Plaines River. It is often a good place for shorebirds and a variety of other stuff. Today it was just good for other stuff. I should have stuck around longer, but I was anxious to get to the lake. (The birds marked in red were new for the year.)

I saw: Red-winged Blackbird; American Robin; Canada Goose; American Goldfinch; White-crowned Sparrow; Common Yellowthroat; Song Sparrow; Tree Swallow; Common Grackle; American Coot; Mallard; Yellow-rumped Warbler; Palm Warbler; Blue-gray Gnatcatcher; Great Blue Heron; Ruby-crowned Kinglet; Blue Jay; Mourning Dove; Yellow Warbler; Blue-winged Teal; Rock Dove; Barn Swallow; Savannah Sparrow; Warbling Vireo; Black-throated Green Warbler; Northern Rough-winged Swallow; Swamp Sparrow; Rose-breasted Grosbeak; Magnolia Warbler; Black-and-white Warbler; Downy Woodpecker; Blackburnian Warbler; Brown-headed Cowbird; Red-bellied Woodpecker; Northern Cardinal; Yellow-throated Vireo; Downy Woodpecker; Wood Duck; Nashville Warbler; Blue-headed Vireo; European Starling; White-breasted Nuthatch; Chimney Swift.

From there I drove east to Illinois Beach State Park where I walked the Dead River Trail to Lake Michigan. It was immediately apparent that things weren’t as lively, due probably to strong wings off the lake.

Illinois Beach State Park — Dead River TrailIllinois Beach State Park — Lake MichiganIllinois Beach State Park — Prickly Pear Cactus

I added: Eastern Bluebird; Black-capped Chickadee; Eastern Towhee; Brown Thrasher; Northern Harrier; Baltimore Oriole; American Kestrel; Chipping Sparrow; Caspian Tern; Common Tern; Ring-billed Gull; Red-breasted Merganser; American Crow; Field Sparrow; Hairy Woodpecker; Gray Catbird.

Waukegan Beach — gulls and ternsI drove a few miles south to Waukegan Municipal Beach. Years ago, this was a fantastic place for migrants, but the area has been built up a lot and now it’s reliable only for gulls and terns.

I added: Cooper’s Hawk; Bonaparte’s Gull; Herring Gull.

It was evident that the lake shore wasn’t productive, so I headed back west and spent a couple hours at Chain-o’-Lakes State Park. It was warm (although the humidity was a remarkably -low 21%) and sunny, and I had the trail almost to myself — no other people and very few birds.

Chain-o'-Lakes State Park - Fox RiverI added: Red-tailed Hawk; Orange-crowned Warbler; House Wren; Northern Flicker; Mute Swan; Sharp-shinned Hawk.

I was home by 3:30. I saw 68 birds (10 warblers) — not awful, but not great either. None of them were unexpected, but a day that includes a Blackburnian Warbler and a Northern Harrier can’t be a bad day. I walked seven miles and had a great time.

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On Shopping

I went out for dinner with my wife last night. On the way home, we did some shopping.

I hate shopping. I don’t mind buying. There’s a difference.

I don’t go into a store unless I know what I want. I get it, I pay for it, I leave. That’s buying.

Shopping is that strange behavior where you wander around stores aimlessly with no destination in mind. Take this diagram for instance.

Shopping Map

You’ll notice that the female path missed two stores on the left side of the mall. Those are no doubt a bookstore and a corn dog stand, the only two stores in the mall worth visiting.

If I’m forced to shop, I get sick. This actually happens. After a few minutes of shopping, I get restless. I can’t stand still. I begin to feel an urge to scream. If I don’t leave the store immediately, I get headaches and start feeling weak and sick to my stomach. You’ll probably respond that my symptoms are all psychosomatic. That’s probably true, but they’re no less unpleasant for being so.

Anyway, our first stop was at a home supply store for lawn fertilizer, a mail box (our current one doesn’t actually close, so we often get wet mail) and some perennials for our garden. No problem. We found the items we needed and headed for the check-out to buy them when we passed a display of rugs. My wife stopped. I stopped. My wife began looking at the rugs. (I should say here that we are not currently in the market for rugs. Sometime this fall or winter, we may think about buying a rug, but not now.) So we were no longer buying. We were now shopping. I started pacing. I could feel the headache coming on. I warned my wife.

STRANGE FEMALE SHOPPING BEHAVIOR NUMBER 1 — Looking at items they have no intention of purchasing.

Fortunately, after many years of marriage, my wife has learned to recognize the symptoms of shopping disease. She glanced briefly at a few more rugs and then we left. But it was too late. I had a headache.

We stopped at a grocery store for a few food items. I actually tried to help here, but there are only a handful of things I’m allowed to purchase. Apparently there are complicated rituals of price-checking and ingredient-comparing that are beyond my ability.

We were heading for the check-out when I noticed a display of lawn chairs on top of a cooler. I’d seen these chairs the last time I was at the store (about six weeks ago) and told my wife that we should buy two when the weather got warmer. So last night I flagged down a woman who was restocking shelves and asked her if I could pull down one of the chairs and try it out to see if it was comfortable. She said no, but that she could find somebody who could pull one down for me. OK. We waited a few minutes until she returned with a friendly coworker who promptly pulled the chair down and collapsed it on his finger in the process. He unfolded it in the frozen-food aisle, and I sat down for a test sit. It was as comfortable as it looked, and even rocked back into a reclining position. For $19.99, it was a keeper. I turned to ask my wife if she’d like to try it out. With just a glance, I could read her face. Her look said, “This is so embarrassing. There’s no way I’m sitting in a lawn chair in the frozen food aisle of a grocery store and I can’t believe I’m married to a man who is doing it.” (She did try out the chair when we got it home and thought it was just fine.)

STRANGE FEMALE SHOPPING BEHAVIOR NUMBER 2 — Refusing to try out items you are purchasing for fear that somebody might see you.

The guy pulled down a second chair and we went to check-out. As soon as the girl registered the chairs, I took them out to the car. I was standing by the car waiting for my wife to arrive with the groceries. I began wondering where she was when I noticed her pushing the cart, not from the area of the door, but from the far side of the lot.

STRANGE FEMALE SHOPPING BEHAVIOR NUMBER 3 — Leaving a store and heading to where you usually park instead of to where you’ve actually parked.

I suppose, in the interest of fairness, that I should mention one more thing that happened. On the way out of the grocery store parking lot, I almost broke my wrist when I tried to retrieve my sunglasses from the dashboard by reaching through the steering wheel while turning a corner.

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