As we all know, wallpaper is Satan’s tool to break up otherwise sound marriages. Many couples have reached a low point in their relationships while trying to get the diabolical stuff to stick straight and stay stuck.
Today my wife and I wallpapered our dining room, but our marriage remains intact. How? Because we followed The Simple and Easy Plan for Hanging Wallpaper With Your Wife.
- Husband positions ladder, climbs up and hold one end of wallpaper roll up against the ceiling.
- Wife marks the bottom edge.
- Wife cuts the wallpaper.
- Wife dunks the wallpaper into a cooler full of water.
- Wife holds up the wallpaper and shakes the excess water off.
- Husband takes the wet wallpaper and holds it up against the ceiling.
- Wife positions the wallpaper.
- Husband leaves room and watches the Cubs/White Sox game.
- Wife smooths the wallpaper and removes all bubbles and stretch marks.
- Wife calls to husband to inform him she is ready for the next strip.
- Husband tells wife everything looks good.
- Repeat as necessary.
Note: Anytime a problem of any sort arises, husband repeats the mantra from Meatballs, an early and otherwise pointless Bill Murray movie: “It just doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter …”