How to keep wallpaper from destroying your marriage

As we all know, wallpaper is Satan’s tool to break up otherwise sound marriages. Many couples have reached a low point in their relationships while trying to get the diabolical stuff to stick straight and stay stuck.

Today my wife and I wallpapered our dining room, but our marriage remains intact. How? Because we followed The Simple and Easy Plan for Hanging Wallpaper With Your Wife.

  1. Husband positions ladder, climbs up and hold one end of wallpaper roll up against the ceiling.
  2. Wife marks the bottom edge.
  3. Wife cuts the wallpaper.
  4. Wife dunks the wallpaper into a cooler full of water.
  5. Wife holds up the wallpaper and shakes the excess water off.
  6. Husband takes the wet wallpaper and holds it up against the ceiling.
  7. Wife positions the wallpaper.
  8. Husband leaves room and watches the Cubs/White Sox game.
  9. Wife smooths the wallpaper and removes all bubbles and stretch marks.
  10. Wife calls to husband to inform him she is ready for the next strip.
  11. Husband tells wife everything looks good.
  12. Repeat as necessary.

Note: Anytime a problem of any sort arises, husband repeats the mantra from Meatballs, an early and otherwise pointless Bill Murray movie: “It just doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter …”

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1 Response to How to keep wallpaper from destroying your marriage

  1. Jonathan says:

    Ten years from now, when the pattern is out of style, it will be stressfull on your marriage again when you try to get the “diabolical stuff” off. We despise the stuff in our house for that very reason.
    BTW, it doesn’t appear too straight at the bottom in that picture. ;-)

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