Of course you can’t go to San Antonio and not visit the Riverwalk. I think it might even be illegal. Rumor has it that it’s the most-visited tourist attraction in Texas. After returning from LBJ’s ranch, we headed downtown and found a $7 spot in a parking garage half a 
block from the river.
We went immediately for the boat ride. The barges are about eight feet wide and contain four rows of seats. This means that there’s only about a foot and a half between the rows. The only way to fit with the people across from you is to alternate knees. It seems to me that the smart thing to do would be to sit across from the people you’re with so you aren’t subjected to this degree of intimacy with strangers. If you think I’m exaggerating, take a close look at the picture below.
But no. When we boarded, the boat was exactly half filled — the outer half. Everybody sat on the outside seats facing in. We made our way down the narrow aisle and sat down. I looked up to find myself face to face with three women — about two feet away. I said “Hi” — a conversational gambit I find often works at times like these. The women chuckled and said “Hi.” I asked if they were from the area. As soon as I said it, it occurred to me that they might think I was trying to pick them up, but they either didn’t notice or didn’t care. It turned out they were from Ireland, over here on vacation. After a couple weeks in Texas, they were heading for Chicago. We talked for a few minutes about the temperature up north. When I described the color of the fall leaves, they began drooling (metaphorically speaking). I didn’t get a lot of pictures from the boat because in whatever direction I pointed my camera (except for straight up), somebody’s head was in the way.
Our guide came aboard and the tour began. She kept up a constant banter about the history of the Riverwalk and the buildings we passed. There wasn’t really a lot to the history, but she filled the spaces with jokes and banter. For example:
- See that little island on the right? That’s called Wedding Island. Legend has it that if you get married on that island, you’ll have good luck in your marriage. It must work. Two of the guys I work with have been married there three times each, and all of their marriages have gone well.
- The gray stone building was once the office of R.H.H. Hugman, the architect of the Riverwalk. He built down here to convince other businesses that the flooding problem had been taken care of and it was safe to open a business by the bank.
- Oh wow! See that guy in the tan shorts over there? That’s my Uncle Fred. Just kidding.
- Here is the one spot where you can see the bottom of the river. Look over the side, especially on the right side. (In order to do this, I would have had to sit in the lap of one of the Irish ladies, but alternating knees notwithstanding, I wasn’t ready for that.)
- On the left you can see an ice cream parlor at the top of the stairs. That’s where I had my first job.
- Look carefully as we pass the waterfall. You’ll see two strange birds that are a cross between a chicken and a duck. I call them chucks. (They were Muscovy Ducks, which fact she explained to us when we passed the waterfall on the way back down the river.)
It went on like that for the entire half hour or so it took to make the loop. The guide said “just kidding” so often it was sometimes difficult to tell if anything she said was true, but she was entertaining and friendly. Later on, as we walked around, we heard the banter of other guides as the boats went past where we stood. They all said basically the same thing, but not in as amusing a fashion. If you’re ever there and want to find out about the Riverwalk without paying the price for the boat ride or getting overly-familiar with strangers, just stand still while a boat goes by and listen to the guide, then move down 50 feet or so and wait for the next boat. It won’t take long.
At one point, our guide bumped the bank and said “Whoa, iceberg.” She said it so quickly that I wonder if she bumps the bank at that point during every tour